So a few weeks back, someone on freecycle was getting rid of a handheld desalinating pump. Score! These are expensive, but very very valuable for ditch bags on a boat, so I snagged it.

I went to the company’s website, but could not find the model anywhere, so I emailed customer service, to see if they could help me out.

And that’s when the epic fail begins.

I got a reply back in about a week. Which is fine. But it came in the form of an attachment. In Word. That said, essentially, “we have no idea. Send a photo.” So I did. Waited a few more days, and got another attachment. In Word. I’ll copy it below.

Via Email

March 16, 2009

Laureen

splashing@gmail.com

Dear Laureen,

Thank you for your inquiry and for your use of our First Need^® Deluxe portable drinking water purification system.  Besides producing great tasting water, First Need has been independently certified to meet USEPA Guide Standard Protocol for Microbiological Purifiers for ability to remove bacteria, cysts and viruses without the use of chemical pesticides, double processing or hold time.

In reply to your inquiries – we appreciated received photos of your existing system.  This is a very, very old system and parts are no longer available for this system.  We would recommend that you upgrade to our newest First Need XL portable drinking water purification system.  Following is information on the new system:

Our purification systems employ a unique, proprietary “Structured Matrix™” purification technology developed in our own research and development labs, which has become the industry’s standard of excellence.  This technology effectively removes foul tastes and odors, while providing instantly purified water meeting EPA Guide Standard Protocol for microbiological purification devices for all three categories, bacteria and viruses and larger water borne pathogens. Importantly, our systems allow valuable minerals and electrolytes, essential to good health and to good taste, to remain in the water.  All General Ecology’s water purification devices are ecologically safe and environmentally friendly, working without the use of electricity, added chemicals, and produces no wastewater.  We believe that our products offer the highest all around value by combining comprehensive effectiveness with natural purification mechanisms to produce the best, refreshingly delicious drinking water available.

The award winning First Need XL portable water purifier - featuring a new innovative design with the same great, award winning purification technology.  Recipient of 2008 Shape You GearAward™, First Need XL features increased capacity, faster flow rate, secure connector/pressure relief tube, more secure hose fitting for backwashing, long non-kink intake hose for easy operation, and relocation of flexible sanitary cover for easier bottle attachment, a Prefilter/Float and Gravity Assist Accessories. Performance will vary according to influent water quality. Advanced “Direct Connect” canisters are designed to directly connect to Nalgene^® wide-mouth and narrow mouth containers with similar thread size. The “Direct Connect” adapters (sold separately) are available for direct connect to Sigg^® bottles, Platypus^® containers, and Nalgene mid-size containers with similar thread size.  Outflow nub on canisters is also available for separately purchased hose attachment to make First Need XL portable water purifier fit for nearly every user. Importantly, First Need XL canisters will continue to fit current pump models for an easy transition with great user features. The First Need XL purifier (P/N 322000) is available at a cost of $109.00, plus shipping and handling and the replacement canister (P/N 302200) is $49.00, plus shipping and handling.

We invite you to visit our Online Store at generalecology.com.  You may also order factory direct by phone, fax, or U.S. mail at the numbers or address listed below.  We typically ship by U.P.S. Standard shipping within 7 to 10 business days from placement of order.  For your convenience we accept Visa^®, MasterCard^® and American Express^®.  Alternatively, you may purchase First Need XL water purifiers from REI (1-800-426-4840).

Thank you again for your inquiry. We appreciate your continued interest in our products.  Please contact us if you have any questions or when you are ready to order. Our Customer Service Department is available by phone, (800-441-8166/610-363-7900), M-F, 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (EST) and by facsimile (610-363-0412) or email (info@generalecology.com) 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Our address is 151 Sheree Blvd. Exton PA 19341.

Sincerely,

(Name of marketing droid)

Unbefreakinglievable. There’s precisely one paragraph in there written to me, by a human being, about my request, and it’s a blithe comment that I should upgrade immediately. Which is what you expect from marketing, not from customer service.

Um, hello, I wrote to you asking about help with the system I have. If I wanted to buy a new system, I’d have done so. If I had wanted to read the marketing blather on your site, I’d have done that. But no. You had to cut and paste (bold included! As if I’m too stupid to read and glean key phrases all on my own!) boilerplate text, so as to utterly alienate me, and to absolutely verify that there is no human interaction going on here.

Naturally, I’m going to figure out a way to hack this and make it work, and I’m going to buy any replacement parts I absolutely have to buy, from your competitors.

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