I blogged a teeny bit about my July 31 miscarriage here. And until I was discussing the due date for the baby I’m carrying now with Mom2, I had forgotten that the baby I miscarried was due right around now.
I miscarried between Rowan and Kestrel too. That one, an eight-weeker and so-called “silent” miscarriage, was horrible, because I still felt broken from the cesarean, and took the miscarriage as a sign that meant I could not do this birth thing that normal women could do. I was an emotional wreck for ages. And that Christmas was kinda sad, because that baby would have been due then. A Christmas baby.
This time, I knew that miscarriages are just a normal part of a breeder’s life, and I wasn’t so freaked out about that; I was just very very sad. This one was not at all “silent”, and therefore I was also physically wrecked for a while. And that baby was due around my birthday. A Birthday baby.
Instead, we caught this one, who is due smack in between Kestrel’s birthday and Rowan’s. There will be a nearly perfect three-year spacing between our kids, which is precisely what Jason was hoping for, but too wise to “plan” for, since we all know that biology does what it does when it cares to. My three kids (how weird is that to type! Much less to think!) will be May-June-July. Late spring/early summer birthdays, perfect for parties, far enough apart that they don’t collide unpleasantly with each other, close enough together that they will all always remember each other.
And that, right there? That says “hand of the Divine” all over it.
See, the two miscarriages? Nice due times and all, easy for me to remember. But as my parenting guru pal Valarie told me once (and it rocked my world)… my children will be in each other’s lives far longer than they’ll be in mine. It’s easy, as a parent, to constantly frame your kids in terms of their relationship with you, but that’s not the primary relationship considering the scope of their lives; the primary relationship is with each other. And somehow, this baby picked a time snuggled right in between its brothers. Jason and I are both winter birthdays, but our children are the bright lights of spring and summer, all clustered together.
It’s another reminder that they are each other’s family, long after Jason and I have moved on to whatever adventure comes next. I know that there are some who feel that trying to ascribe meaning to tragedy is simply the coping mechanism of a gullible brain, and that’s fine, they can think that. But for me, for the rest of my life, when “birthday season” rolls around, I’ll be reminded that pretty much even the most awful events can sometimes end up turning out perfectly.
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Thank you for sharing this perspective. It’s really so true.
hey! I just found you by means I know not of…I miscarried this past August 21. Babe would have been due around now…anyhow, pregnancy has been planned to occur about this time so when we got pregnant we were thrown a bit. The babe lost (a son-I knew this from a dream 2 years past) was born a Leo, the direct opposite of the Aquarian baby that has been planned to balance our household. They are only in our care for a little while and things happen as planned. Thanks for your perspective!
Have fun at the TBC! I wish I were going! Timing is just bad for me!!
Thanks for your blog!
[...] And really, I think that it’s Valarie’s persistence about how fundamentally decent everyone is that helps keep everyone rising to meet her expectations. You don’t often run into people who are doing as much as she is, who don’t complain, who in fact revel, in the craziness that is a big family. Usually there’s some martyrdom and drama involved, some sense that the madness outweighs the solid comfort. But for her, what matters is how everyone is connected. I blogged about her advice to me on that front here. [...]